The Guard
It’s been a few months now since committing to live a more authentic life and I’ve been reflecting on what that actually means. In case you didn’t know already, I am such a thinker, a massive feeler. It’s where the art comes from ok, let me live…
After all that doing with my ceramics career, I thought that if I was going to start being, then what does that even look like. Being who sorry, me? I thought I already was.
Rather than turning that into another project, I continued to relax. And in the new space I carved for my life, I began to realise something I hadn't noticed before: that I was actually… quite guarded… den den den.
Somewhere between leaving home, starting my career and venturing into the ‘real world’, I discovered that actually, not everyone is lovely. Naively, I think I expected everyone to be nice. Which was optimistic. And possibly a touch of the ‘tsm’? I’d always had an abundance of friends, so I suppose I thought, everyone will love me. Did they fuck.
I pushed through with my intention in mind - to be an artist. Along the way I had a ton of fun but life was ‘lifing’. Twenties consisted of awesome opportunities, achievements, more pretty unpleasant people and one restraining order. Alas, I pushed through and I think the guard just grew bigger.
This guard, bless her, she really tried to help but she’s actually a terrible judge of character, needs a lot, and is actually well dramatic. She mostly thinks that protecting and all that doing is more logical than loving.
After finally stopping post-burnout, I realised that underneath this guard is an incredibly soft, yet strong, open, curious person that I had only known intermittently. The same me I am at home, the me my friends have always known, just apparently not available full-time. The me that loves the shit out of people, gets excited about ridiculous little things and sees beauty everywhere. I hadn’t gone anywhere, I’d just been a bit busy protecting myself. Now I’m realising I don’t have to save the real me for people or places where I feel completely safe. I can actually just be. All the time. Which is rather nice.
Now, I’m not about to start a TED talk on how to live the world's best authentic life. I’m only just scratching the surface of what that means to me. I still feel my guard come up sometimes, but I'm very aware of her, and gently knock her out when she tries to take the wheel. I realise that being authentic, for me anyway, lives behind whatever I’m trying to protect myself with.
My intention now is: fuck knows. Whatever tickles my fancy. Whatever makes me feel more connected to that softness and joy. At the moment I'm making a series of paintings which are my ‘meditation series’ for a solo show next year and modelling my way through the rest of 2026. Beyond that? I dunno. I’m ready for the next adventure. I’ll let you know